Soz Satire Presents: The Handy Self-Publishing Writer's Kit

Now Available in Kruger Rands 

Are you a monosyllabic, beetle-browed fuckwit with literary aspirations but don't have a clue how to get your stuff out there? Do your lips move when you read and do you have trouble stringing so much as two sentences together? Then The Soz Satire Handy Self-Publishing Writer's Kit is tailor-made for you.

To begin your new career as a published author simply send £20,000 to:

Soz Satire
The Boleyn Arms
Upton Park
East London

We guarantee that your miserable literary effort will be deleted by Amazon due to lack of interest in just weeks and that you'll be reduced to desperately posting a link to your risible old toot on Facebook and Twitter before you can say "How do you spell "preface?"

Testimonial: I can't read or write but just days after investing in this wonderful item I was being cyber bullied and ridiculed on every social media site you can think of. Thanks Soz Satire! - Larry Jizzum. Millwall, South London.

CIA Forced Detainees To Read WordPress Blogs Claims Shock Report

"I'll tell you anything you want to know. Just don't make me read their Freshly Pressed section again!"

Terror suspects were allegedly forced to read posts on the blogging website, WordPress, and were even made to like and comment on some of the more banal efforts, a US senate report has revealed.

The investigation into alleged cruel and unusual punishments carried out by The Central Intelligence Agency following the 911 attacks, has uncovered a number of inhumane practices, which includes detainees being kept awake for days and made to read pieces of mind-numbingly boring copy and laughable efforts at poetry, some of which were over a thousand words long, in an effort to extract confessions. One prisoner even spoke of being forced to type 'LOL' in the comment box of a blog based around a miserably inept self-published book while attack dogs snapped at his genitals 

We spoke to a a former prisoner at the notorious, Abu Graib detention facility in Iraq, who told us "At first they just used conventional torture methods such as waterboarding, sleep deprivation and sustained beatings, but when it became clear that a prisoner's spirit couldn't be broken, they would make us log on to WordPress and would force us to read horrendously boring pieces of copy about various blogger's car crash relationships, their journey's through other countries or to suffer their interminable bleating about their psychological difficulties. I remember one night when I was woken by guards in the early hours and forced to like and comment on a particularly crass and poorly-written piece of so-called humour featuring characters with funny-sounding names. In the end I  told them I knew of a proposed bomb attack on the New York subway just to escape the sheer tedium of it all"

An ex-CIA operative, who was deployed to interrogate prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay detention centre in Cuba during the period in question, denied the claims last night "We would never employ inhumane tactics like this to extract confessions. I fully admit that waterboarding, threats of rape and sustained beatings did sometimes take place, but to force another human being to read a rambling, one thousand word piece about Norse folklore, or a shockingly poor poem with laughably faulty iambic pentameter is just unthinkable and the agency distances itself from it completely"

Further shocking revelations are expected at the weekend with the expected publishing of a further report which claims that Somali prisoners, suspected of being members of the Al-Shabaab terror group, were forced at gunpoint to read blog posts about people's teeth-jarringly boring childhood experiences in their entirety, without being given the option of clicking on the 'like' button in their Readers before moving wearily on to the next load of old guff.

Satirical Magazine Blamed For Sharp Rise In Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Soz Satire Xmas issue, complete with a mysterious rash, pictured infecting millions last night.

The British Medical Association are claiming that the recent alarming rise in sexually transmitted diseases across the country is entirely due to the launch of the bumper Xmas edition of Soz Satire magazine which came out earlier this month.

A spokesperson for the genito-urinary clinic at The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel, East London, told us.

“We used to be able to take it easy at work until Soz launched their bumper April edition, now we’re going at it like  one-armed paper hangers. I’ve not even had a chance to take the old woman food shopping at Tescos, and it’s all down to those bastards!”

We spoke to a random selection of sufferers last night and we print their testimonials below:

“I’d never had an STD in my life until the new Soz came out and now I’m absolutely riddled with Chlamydia” – The Archbishop Of Canterbury

“I read the bumper Xmas edition in bed with my wife and we both instantly contracted syphilis” – Clare Balding

“I haven’t read it yet so I’m absolutely fine thus far. I do have a great big face though” – Olly Murs

“Holy Gonorrhoea Batman! I’ve got a dose of the clap like you wouldn’t believe! It has to be down to those arch fiends at Soz Satire!” – Robin

“Steady old chum. You’ll upset Chief O Hara’s good lady wife who went down with a bad case of genital warts and thrush in the post office” – Batman

“Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Embarassing itching. Them hurt Hulk!” – The Incredible Hulk.

We contacted the magazine’s editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 21, last night who told us.

“I’ve never heard such a load of old toot in my life! I’ve slept with at least 20 low class hookers in the last 5 days and I haven’t so much as experienced a slight reddening of my penis!.

“In fact apart from a deep burning sensation in my urethra when I pass water I’m as right as ninepence. This is purely scare-mongering tactics from the lads at Private Eye and The Onion who are shit scared we’re going to nick all their advertising. Now sod off!”

Soz Satire’s bumper Xmas edition is now available on all half decent PCs and laptops, and comes with a full endorsement from The Somali Home Doctor magazine along with a week’s supply of powerful antibiotics.

Oh and and here’s the link: http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Africa Now Completely Empty As Last Surviving Inhabitant Falls Down Manhole

” ‘ang on. I’m not dead yet!”

The war torn, pestilence-ravaged continent of Africa is now reported to be completely devoid of human life following the death yesterday of it’s last living inhabitant who was killed instantly after falling down a manhole in Uganda.

The United Nations now plan to auction off the troubled continent to the highest bidder, with Virgin boss, Richard Branson, a firm favourite with his plan to turn it into a "car park" for hot air balloons..

Reuters

DEAR SOZ

Dear Soz Satire

During a visit to the supermarket the other day, the checkout girl handed me a list of my shopping detailing the price of each item. Surely it would be more useful if they were to do this on arrival at the shop, thus saving me the trouble of writing out a list in the first place.

Teddy Fuck
Brighton

SITUATIONS VACANT: Typical British Family Required.

Graphic by The Artful Dodger

A typical British family are required by the Broadcasters’ Audience Research Board, to watch and comment on a number of pilots for next years proposed Saturday night TV schedules.

​

The sorry collection of feckless, moronic dullards we seek should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing teenage single mum who was thrown out of her council property for stripping out all the copper piping, and a spotty little teenage pillock, preferably with an ASBO and an electronic tag. An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable, although not essential.

​The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows, including some fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky up hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket, a bunch of blond slappers, whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on, and some absolutely hideous looking hound with a face only a mother could love, who can sing a little bit and who, by so doing, make the panel of judges gasp in wide-eyed astonishment, and even weep with emotion, despite the fact that they’ve seen the fucker go through her paces a hundred times before in rehearsal.

​If you think your family are objectionable enough to fit the bill, please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:

Britain’s Got Problems.

Simon Cowell House

Sunderland

umber of pilots for next years proposed Saturday night tv schedules, and to give their opinions.

​

The sorry collection of feckless, moronic arseoles we seek, should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing teenage single mum who was thrown out of her council property for stripping out all the copper piping, and a spotty little teenage pillock with an ASBO and an electronic tag. An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable, although not essential.

​

The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows, including fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky up hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket, a bunch of blond slappers, whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on, and some absolutely hideous looking hound with a face only a mother could love, who can sing a little bit and by so doing makes the panel of judges gasp in wide-eyed astonishment, and even weep with emotion, despite the fact that they've seen the fucker go through her paces a hundred times before in rehearsal.

​

If you think your family are objectionable enough to fit the bill, please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:

​

​

Britain's Got Problems
Room 16
Simon Cowell House
22 Susan Carbuncle St.
Sunderland

SATIRICAL MAGAZINE HELPS RECORD NUMBER OF WOMEN FIND LOVE

“I couldn’t get a man to save my life until the latest issue of Soz came out, now I’m up the duff with George Clooney’s kid. Thanks Soz Satire”

Following the launch of the November issue of Soz Satire magazine, a record number of extremely ugly females have reported a dramatic rise in the number of attractive men wanting to make love to them.

The phenomenon has been attributed to the extremely poor quality of the jokes in the publication leading to men choosing to do anything other than read it.

Here are a few testimonials from desperate male readers:

“I started to read the updated version of Soz Satire last night but found it so unfunny I immediately went next door and got my leg over a hideous looking old tugboat” – Brad Pitt

“The updated version was so utterly devoid of any good jokes I gave a diabolical old hound a back scuttling in the pub bogs” – Johnny Depp

“The revamped Halloween issue made me want to give a dodgy looking munter a portion rather than read on, but it was so crap I couldn’t get the horn so I hit Justin Bieber with an iron bar instead” – Orlando Bloom.

Here’s a link to the mag in question so you can judge for yourselves my friends:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

WARNING: Don’t blame me if you end up bollocks deep in some four-eyed, 22 stoner with thrush and a lazy eye before you get to the skit about Cheryl Cole in the Personal & Classified Ads section ok?